It's easy to gauge how the day has gone within the first few seconds of walking in the door after work. Is there giggling coming from the backyard, or does someone have streaks of dried tears on their cheeks? Do I see the raised eyebrow look from T, as if to say "oy... they've had a tough one today," or do the kids hear the door open and come running/bouncing/exploding with the day's crafts, new bugs, neat rocks, stories, all at once at maximum volume and energy?
Yesterday, I immediately knew something big had happened. Little R. was fine, and showed me the sticker he got at the dentist, but A. walked toward me slowly, looking shell-shocked and teary, and T. whispered to me, "She saw Goof kill a bird by the swing set a few minutes ago!" Goof (aka, Jazmine) is the older of our two weimaraners, and though she barks tough, has never come close to catching a squirrel, bird, or anything else. (the bird must have been sick already, because at 12 years, that dog is not moving like she once did...)
A. collapsed in my arms when I hugged her, and we sat down on the couch while she told me about what she had seen. Through occasional muted sobs, she told me that the little bird was on the slide, and Jazmine went after it, grabbed it and threw it, and "it was tweeting and tweeting and tweeting! Why did she do that?!" She said other birds were tweeting to get Goof to stop but she wouldn't stop.
T. later told me that she was in the kitchen sorting groceries and heard A. screaming "No! Stop!" and crying so much she thought it was fake. She ran into the house frantically, and told all of what she had seen of the traumatic event, which was unfortunately every little gory detail.
I listened to my little girl try to come to terms with the violent death she had just witnessed, and tried to offer thoughts that would help her deal with it -- I said that this happens in nature all the time, that animals eat other animals, but I (not quickly enough) realized it was the wrong time to bring this up and it didn't help her understand the event or her emotions. Maybe later, once she's accepted what happened, but that lesson wasn't necessary right then. I tend to not focus on emotions and instead concentrate of the facts of reality only, as if that would help a 5-yr-old who had just witnessed a dog she loves and trusts kill a cute little birdie.
After I went out with a shovel and trash bag to clean up the carnage -- the bird had stopped breathing by the time I went out, its neck clearly broken -- the three of us talked about it more, and discussed how sad it was that it happened, answering any questions she had and just listening, and then T. mentioned that Jazmine hadn't done anything wrong. It was OK to feel sad and disappointed, but Jazmine wasn't being bad, she was just being a dog.
She said she was frustrated with Goof, and sad, and that "I wish all animals only ate leaves instead of each other." Then after some dinner, she rebounded pretty quickly and the topic didn't come up again until this morning.
According to T., she's been talking about it a lot, but won't get into details as rehashing it upsets her. She teared up telling the nanny about it, but only summarized it. She said that she wishes she had seen a bird catch a worm, instead of Goof catching a bird.
She is a strong, resilient, and bright little girl, and I'm sure she'll figure out a way to integrate this into her thinking, and deal with it and her understandably intense emotions. T. has been listening and answering her questions but hasn't been dwelling on it. We talked last night after they went to bed, and decided that this was the best way to support her as she figures things out. Hopefully that will be just what she needs.
After things have cooled off, maybe I'll try again to appeal to the budding scientist in her, so she can understand it in the wider context of nature and how animals interact, and so that it won't wound her so deeply next time. Or perhaps not.
If you've dealt with a similar situation with your kids, let me know in the comments.
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Update: I neglected in the post to mention the reference I made in the title. Those readers older than 30 likely remember the Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom nature program on TV. I remember it -- specifically in contrast to the sanitized niceness of today's nature shows -- for showing graphic footage of animals attacking other animals in the wild. I would be surprised to see a cheetah chasing down and killing a wildebeest on TV today, though according to RationalJenn (see comments) it does exist. While it's fine for young ones not to see such graphic events, I think it's important for them to eventually know that they exist, that it's a natural and normal part of the world to be evaluated differently from the human realm where moral judgments are made. Another topic for an older little girl, but one I hope to discuss with her one day.
4 comments:
Oh, poor A.! The only thing close to that we've dealt with was seeing an abandoned Canadian gosling in our pond. The gosling was ailing, and it's common for geese to reject sick babies. It was pitiful and crying and Ryan was pretty sad about it--but we talked about how animals do that sometimes.
It wasn't nearly as intense as what A. went through, witnessing her beloved dog commit such an act of violence. But we handled it as you did--we sympathized and answered questions as they came up. Eventually, he stopped asking questions.
Another thing that helped was watching some Animal Planet--it's gross, but he did see animals eating other animals--and we've talked about how that's how nature works--and how we eat animals, too. Obviously, A. wouldn't be ready for this discussion for a bit! But something to think about for later, maybe?
I imagine it will take her quite a while to think about and deal with what she saw. Poor, poor thing. I hope she feels better soon. Is she still really mad at Jazmine?
This is one of those terribly hard parenting things, where you just wish you could make it All Better right away for them, because it's hard to see them hurting, even when you know that it's something they have to work through themselves. Hardest part of parenting, I think.
Thanks, Jenn. I mentioned to A. that I suspect that the bird was already sick because otherwise Jazmine couldn't have caught it.
At some point, when/if she can look back on it without the trauma, I will consider watching Animal Planet with her. It's an important thing to understand about the world, I think. But that will be a ways down the road... of course it all depends on her and how she responds.
I think she is probably still mad at Jazmine, but also understands that she's a dog. Her own words to describe how she was angry but not at the dog directly, were "I'm frustrated that she did it." It's a tough distinction to make, and though she doesn't exactly have the words, she knows what's going on.
And you are exactly right about how this is one of the hardest parenting challenges. I initially failed in that regard by trying to "explain all the facts" to lessen the emotional toll, though I hope I rectified things by shutting up and just listening and answering questions.
I tend to do the same thing--focus on the facts and not give the kid enough time to express their emotions first. I've gotten better though. Nobody is going to hear what you're saying if they're still experiencing really intense emotions.
I read a book about this once--maybe "Happiest Baby/Toddler on the Block?" I'll have to look it up. But the author suggested that parents shouldn't try to stop a baby or young child from crying (via distraction, nursing or other method). They need to be allowed to express themselves--and then the problem can be worked on. I'm having to remember this all over again with the baby--be comforting and hold him while he's upset, but not to try to stop him from being upset.
The same works for the bigger kids, and adults, too. Sometimes I just need time and space to be mad or sad, too--and once I've gotten it a little bit out of my system, I'm in a much better frame of mind to problem-solve or consider what has happened.
Hard, because my initial reaction is to try to fix it! And how do you fix something? By thinking about it and coming up with explanations or solutions!
We've had dead birds in the backyard, but I normally get to them before our kids can find them. We've lost many cats (we live on a desert wash and if one gets out, it's pretty much guaranteed coyote chow), a guinea pig, and tons of fish. Luckily, they've never seen the actual deed (except on TV).
We've tried to be very open about death and animals' short lifespans with our kids; for the most part, it's worked out pretty well. I think only the guinea pig was cried over. We held each of them and reminisced about the good times: it was over by the end of the day.
One daughter (age 5) didn't like that eagles and snakes ate bunnies, but that's about it. They seem to get that we eat animals and animals eat other animals. I think calling our meats by the actual animal names helped them to make the connection: "Kimberly, eat your cow."
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